A sixteen-year-old writer challenges her home country’s insistence that a woman’s worth be determined by her marital status.
By Tharwa Boulifi
Illustration by Grace Molteni
Ever since I can remember, I’ve heard this strange expression, “Inchallah Farhtek” in the Tunisian dialect. Growing up, I never understood its meaning. Back then, my mom told me that it was a great wish.
As I grew up, I began to understand the meaning of this phrase and its function within a sexist culture. Fortunately, I was raised by a feminist mother, who didn’t educate me based on traditional, sexist stereotypes, unlike many Tunisian mothers. Most Tunisian girls are told to act like “girls,” to wear pink clothes, to play with dolls, to grow their hair long, to do household chores—all stereotypically feminine qualities.
In kindergarten, teachers read fairy tales aloud to students about beautiful princesses who find their charming princes, get married, have kids and live happily ever after.
As they grew up, these girls were taught how to cook, clean and do different chores so they can be prepared to be good housewives and take care of their husbands and children.
Once we girls become teenagers, we get used to hearing “Inchallah Farhtek” and all kinds of expressions that mean “I hope you’ll get married;” “I’ll hope I’ll eat your wedding cake;” and “I hope I’ll see you as a bride.”
The influence of films and TV series is huge. Girls who watch TV shows intended for young women, usually Arab or Turkish programs, are affected by their content. A study published in 2013 by the MBC network—a very popular group of television channels in the Middle East—showed that 50 million Arab women (approximately half of the adult females in the Arab world) watch Turkish series.
These TV shows usually portray rich women, always impeccably dressed—their main concern is always to find a husband. These women are pictured as charming, obedient and willing to do everything to get their man and satisfy him. These shows perpetuate a male-dominated culture that is enabled by women’s submission. Therefore, teenage girls believe that their main accomplishment lies in their ability to find a husband and start a family. They neglect their studies and spend their days taking care of their beauty.
Altogether, finding a husband is a priority for them, even before their studies. Many girls drop out of high school to focus on finding a man. According to data collected by the Ministry of Education in a study conducted between 2014 and 2015, 8.7 percent of girls dropped out of high school. Between 20 and 30 percent of these drop-out cases are caused by the family environment and 35 percent of them are caused by the social model.
This is the case for Maram, 29, who left her studies at the age of 20, to focus on finding a man.
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“I’ve always considered my career a matter of secondary importance,” says Maram. “People, have always told me that women always end up in their houses cleaning and taking care of their family. Well, the funny thing is, I haven’t found a husband yet and I’m sad because I’ve lost on both sides.”
“Bayra” is an insult in Tunisian dialect used to describe an older unmarried woman, considered one of the worst insults a woman and her family can bear. That’s why women at the tail end of their twenties face social and familial pressure to get married. They get tired of hearing constantly the famous idiom “Inchallah Farhtek” at every family event. Souha, 28, prefers to avoid wedding parties because of this permanent harassment.
“Now, I try not to attend any wedding party because of my family’s and people’s reactions, which really bother me and make me feel uncomfortable,” says Souha. “For them, marriage is like a race. The first who gets married is the winner.”
As they age, women’s chances of getting married lessen. In their thirties, women are considered “expired.” According to the last general population and housing census in 2014, 40 percent of women aged 30 to 34 are single. In this way, their families try to marry them off with any man, unmindful of their daughter’s own happiness. Many women find themselves married to men who don’t share their same social or financial situation, just to be a married woman in the eyes of society.
Some women, who have chosen to stay unmarried, become targets of harassment. In 2016, according to the Research, Documentation Studies and Information on Women Center, or CREDIF (the organization’s French acronym), in a sample of 3,873 Tunisian women aged 18 to 64, 74.5 percent percent of single women reported experiencing violence in public spaces during the four last years (2011 to 2015). In December, a young female college student living on her own in El-Omrane, in the west of Tunis, was raped by a 30-year- old man who entered her house to rob her. He threatened the student with a knife, and then raped her.
“It’s hard to be a single female here,” says Sonia. “If you’re not married, people will think that something is wrong with you. Even during arguments with my family, I get often accused of being jealous of my married siblings or cousins.”
Along with bullying, younger unmarried women experience abuse and teasing. In fact, a husband is considered someone who “completes” his wife and preserves her dignity. Younger unmarried women are viewed as weak because they don’t have a husband by their side. So, they get sexually harassed, exploited and threatened by men, especially women who live on their own.
“Some men would think I’m a prostitute because I live on my own and [sometimes] receive some male friends,” says Farah, a 30-year old woman. “I even got harassed by my male neighbor who wanted to sleep with me because I’m a single woman.”
Thus, a husband represents a protection for his woman. That’s why some women prefer to stay with abusive husbands—they fear finding themselves divorced and becoming the harassers’ targets. According to the INS ( Institut national des statistiques or National Institute of Statistics), 38,483 thousand women are divorced versus 46,036 divorced men.
However, the Tunisian society is witnessing a new emerging category of elegant, financially self-sufficient women who have chosen to remain single and who don’t care about familial and social pressures. According to a 2016 study led by “Femmes de Tunisie” (a Tunisian magazine), 60 percent of these single women said that they have deliberately chosen to stay single, to fulfill their ambitions and achieve their goals. Because this study was based on direct statements by women, many of them tended to give answers that value themselves. In other words, few single women would admit that they’re not satisfied with their current status.
It is by putting in females’ heads that their self-worth and blossoming lie in marriage, that we’re building a sexist male-dominated culture. Women’s roles go far beyond marriage and procreation. Women are here to lead side by side with men. Their decision of getting married remains a personal choice and no woman should feel guilty or underestimated because of her choice.
Tharwa Boulifi is a 16-year old girl from Tunisia. She loves writing articles, reading novels, singing and dancing. She’s been featured in the Teen Voices section, the Fbomb blog, the igeneration youth magazine and Herizons magazine. You can find her on Twitter and on Facebook.
Grace Molteni is a Midwest born and raised designer, illustrator, and self-proclaimed bibliophile, currently calling Chicago home. She believes strongly in a “beer first, always, and only” rule, and is forever seeking the perfect dumpling. For more musings, work, or just to say hey check her out on Instagram.
